The question that I am often asked is “how long is this grief going to last?” or maybe the question is phrased as “when will I get over this?” And I’m going to say right at the start of this blog, there is not an easy answer to either of those questions. The truth is there is a good chance you will always feel the loss of your pet. You loved them, after all, and they were a big part of your life. The hurt, however, will ease. And I think that’s the question most people want to know. When will I stop hurting so much when I think of my pet? When will their memory become a fond one rather than a painful one?
The truth is that this time frame will differ for every person and even every loss. This year I’ve had two senior cats cross the rainbow bridge. The first was a sad loss, but a not unexpected one. We cared for him until the end and then helped him peacefully pass when his quality of life declined. The second was a vibrant senior cat who, although she had physical problems, was still active until she wasn’t. Her turn happened over the course of about a week, and although it’s been a month since she passed, we still look for her in her favorite corner, and her loss is keenly felt.
It isn’t that we loved one cat more than the other. Hardly! In fact, the first to pass was my heart cat, the one that I rescued as a kitten (out of the glove box of our car!) and then tamed as a kitten until he became my shadow. The other was my spouse’s cat more than mine, but I loved her deeply as well. In this case, it was the suddenness of the decline, and I suspect the fact that I did not have the anticipatory grief with the second that I had with the first, that makes this more recent loss so much more difficult to find a path forward. But a path forward happens day by day, and her loss is still keenly felt, but the ache is more fond memory rather than painful ones.
I think while we should stay with our beloved animal companions in the moment, staying mindful, being present with them, that anticipatory grief to some extent helps to ease the entire length of the grief journey. It isn’t a shock when our pet passes. Rather, it is expected, and we have seen the signs on the horizon for some time. Much like knowing when the weather is going to change, knowing about it in advance can help us to prepare for when it arrives. The key to anticipatory grief is that we do not get caught up in it so much so that we miss the light in our pet’s eyes or the day to day moments we have with them. It is almost too easy to be so focused on the loss that we forget to enjoy the time when they are here.
Grief will take how long it will take. I know that might be difficult to hear, but grief is as unique as your relationship with your pet. There are no wrong answers here; only love. If you need support, please check out one of our grief circles or reach out. You’re not alone.
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